Archives > September-October 2007
So I finally made my last payment of 3165 euros to the construction team that renovated my apartment. Fourteen thousand euros in less than a year was a whole lot to pull out, I am so relieved!
Oh btw, check out this pic of yours truly which was taken at club Eleven... sorry I had to post this cuz I happen to think I came out nice :)
Ripenserai agli angeli
Al caffè caldo svegliandoti
Mentre passa distratta la notizia di noi due
Dicono che mi servirà
Se non uccide fortifica
Mentre passa distratta la tua voce alla tv
Tra la radio e il telefono risuonerà il tuo addio
Di sere nere
Che non c'è tempo
Non c'è spazio
E mai nessuno capirà
Puoi rimanere
Perché fa male male
Male da morire
Senza te
Ripenserei che non sei qua
Ma mi distrae la pubblicità
Tra gli orari ed il traffico lavoro e tu ci sei
Tra il balcone e il citofono ti dedico i miei guai
Di sere nere
Che non c'è tempo
Non c'è spazio
E mai nessuno capirà
Puoi rimanere
Perché fa male male
Male da morire
Senza te
Ho combattuto il silenzio parlandogli addosso
E levigato la tua assenza solo con le mie braccia
E più mi vorrai e meno mi vedrai
E meno mi vorrai e più sarò con te
E più mi vorrai e meno mi vedrai
E meno mi vorrai e più sarò con te
E più sarò con te, con te, con te
Lo giuro
Di sere nere
Che non c'è tempo
Non c'è spazio
E mai nessuno capirà
Puoi rimanere
Perché fa male male
Male da morire
Senza te
Senza te
Senza te
Senza te
And everything happens for a reason, and the reason why you're not with me anymore I cannot find, but I feel it's better off this way. I think it doesn't matter, to be alone yet a while longer if being with you would have only consisted of wondering and doubting your conditions. In life we should choose to give ourselves completely only if we feel we have a safety net below, and I wasn't willing to jump into oblivion for a maybe. I don't deserve to wait, to ask myself a million what-ifs, because love should be unconditional and fill your heart, not leave it empty and lonely.
So who the fuck cares, what is another heartache, I'm a strong woman and got back up on my feet countless times before... but when is this all going to end? Will it end eventually?
On a lighter note, check out a pic of yours truly with my friend Ilaria and her sister at Gippy's Urlo concert (he's the one dressed like a woman LOL)
Always listen to your instincts
never let your guard down
always regard yourself with dignity
never let 'em put you down
you are a flower
you are a gem
you are the soft shuffles of autumn leaves on a field
you are the candid foam produced by waves that crash against the rocks
you are stars and moon, oceans and mountains
no matter how in love or like you are
never let them think that reaching you is easy target
never help them with a lifesaver or a bridge
if they really care, if they really mean, they'll reach you no matter the distance
you are twilight, you are sunset
you are everything that's beautifully made and impossible to replicate
never ever let them think they can change you,
that they can take your dignity away.
love yourself and they will love you,
respect others but never let them take you for granted
it will be like taking yourself for granted
cry, sometimes, it isn't sign of weakness but of passion
cry and let the hurt roll out onto your cheeks, then onto the floor
and once you let it all out, right before you overdo it
stop and wipe your sorrow away
it's good to cry but nothing awful's worth a headache
wear your hottest accessory- your smile
and step out onto the streets looking like the mighty creature you are
nothing can bend you, and nothing can break you but your own hardness on yourself
shop until you drop, party the night away, visit family
do anything and everything, cuz nothing's worth a forced, desperate reclusion.
Laugh... think of how great you discovered it sooner than too late
look up at the sun, into the sky... heaven isn't so far away after all.
And the right one will come along, eventually...
I don't know why I do this to myself, to him. Here I am after a year of shit, filled with men who were anything but good for me, looking aimlessly to fill the void that my ex fiancee had felt in me which, turns out now, wasn't really a void but an illusion of what he never was. After all this time I've finally met someone I like, someone who can look at me and see right through me, patiently, sweetly taking a closer look into my troubled being, I'm scared.
So I become mean, I am heavy on him. The more I want him near the farther away I push him, because deep inside me lies the fear that he, too, will leave eventually. And the men in my life don't leave because I'm ugly or annoying, they leave because I make them. I impose on them with my fearless clay mask of a woman that deep inside I'm not, because within that shell I'm fragile matter that easily crumbles. I show them how great I am and how hard they need to work to be with me, then again when they leave I'm disappointed but glad, because after all this crazy treatment I reserve them I convince myself that if they left they weren't my man to begin with.
So here he is now... and I like him. I'm afraid to feel more, and to show him my fragile self. I'm worried that once my mask will come off he'll take me into his arms and choke me with his protection, ignite me with his passion, and leave me mercilessly to pieces.
From Deseo and club Eleven!
I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I've been buying these weekly dvds that come out in newstands, love movies that made history of depression due to lack of affection thereof. So far I got "Love Actually," "Something's Got to Give," and "You've Got Mail". This latter I just got done watching, the story of two people who fall in love over the internet and in the meantime happen to know each other in real life as they are business rivals... I just adore the final scene when Kathleen (Meg Ryan) is waiting in the park expecting her stranger e-mail pal when Joe (Tom Hanks) shows up in the distance as "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays softly in the background of a New York spring.
And there I am sitting on the couch on a Sunday night when there was nothing on tv and I didn't feel like going out nor studying, I just grabbed a movie such as this one and decided to make myself sick with jealousy and choke with sniffles. Of course I have stopped hoping for the happy ending you get in movies, when Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing" enters the hotel and says "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" or then again an emotional Renee Zellweger in "Jerry McGuire" when she looks at Tom Cruise saying "You Had me at Hello." And just like the character from You've Got Mail I start thinking once again of Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, and how he depicts the man that never was and never would, and off I run imagining things that can never be and a man I can never meet.
That man who's meant for me is like the movie... walking down the street running into me daily and I just don't know yet that we are meant for each other.
Yes it's got to be that way, we lead our separate lives thinking about when that moment is going to come if ever, when everything will stop and all the randomness of our encounter make sense; perhaps in front of a cup of coffee or even while he helps me picking up a book I dropped at the bookstore. There will be that moment during which nothing turns into something that turns into everything (and not the other way around).
I'm lonely and it smells like rain
which tries invane to wash away my self oblivion
it drips down fast and steady
upon the blurry opaque windows of this empty heart
forever vanishes down my nightly silence
inside and outside
within and without the warmth of the sun
the shine of a glance
I rest within the shadow of nothingness
a lonely independent soul in a thundering storm.
They just keep on coming, check out both new summer galleries to see them!
>> CHECK OUT THE SUMMER 07 GALLERY
>> CHECK OUT THE VILLASIMIUS PHOTO ESSAY
Here are more pics from my summer vacation :)
>> CHECK OUT THE SUMMER 07 GALLERY
I have a gagillion pictures to resize and upload, I just posted some from Sardegna and I have the ones from Forte dei Marmi (Tuscany) I will post those tomorrow if I get to it... plus more pictures!
>> CHECK OUT THE VILLASIMIUS PHOTO ESSAY (more text coming eventually!)