I feel that trying to get out my innermost feelings, regrets, and disappointments is so hard because there are so many, and they are so jumbled, unsolved, like on a perpetual stand-by mode.

It's kind of like when you pause a VCR player and the image just freezes but remains shaky with undefined horizontal lines... at that moment the image doesn't go back nor it can move forward, it's just there, and it's waiting for someone to push play again.

Another page being flipped over the very last of this calendar, and as I flip back onto the previous glossy months I see some meaningless little numbers all lined up to form a pattern but as I think of each single day that passed by I ponder that this was not the year I had wished for before it started.

When I think back I remember mainly the tumors, suffering directly for two people in my life that I love (and indirectly for one who I love but no longer have contacts with), I remembered lingering through the blank hours of the endless days thinking back, thinking ahead, wondering if there was any way to escape the labyrinth of desperation that I was lost in... I was as weak as ever, trying to cling onto the people who usually cling on me (and finding no support whatsoever) and, hardest of all, having to give the person who has always supported me and cared for me the courage and the strength that she has always given me.

I clearly recall the way I lost contact with my father, why I was no longer able to accept being always misunderstood by him, misinterpreted, misread, unheard, underestimated, lied to, taken for granted. A big part of me misses him, especially when holidays come around, especially when I think about what went on and how much I suffered from it, but I just don't think that getting back in touch with him and trying to reform a relationship is going to work, because every time I tried to count on him and trust him I never felt his support... because I felt like he never comprehended what I was saying or the person I was, am and will always be.

I think that there is only one person in this world who knows what I went through, and that person is me. I am someone who has been filing everything that happened in the past four years of her life into the regrets folder, and can count more mistakes than good choices.

I had been able to climb mountains, walk miles alone, I had done it so many times that I thought I would be able to do the same over and over again... but I am so tired of looking for a way, everywhere I go I am always either thinking about another place and another situation.

I am the woman you can look at and define mature, responsible, strong, you clearly see my cons as well, but you like to talk to me, to ask me for advice. It could be any kind of advice, starting from what shade of cream to paint your living room walls, to what to get your relatives for Christmas, to how much to offer for that house you want to buy, to what to do when your boyfriend acts like a baby, to what to type if your computer is giving you errors.

Man, consider me shitty for all my fixations, my bad sides, but clearly admit that I am a person you can count on, rely on, turn to when you are feeling blue.

Well, I am in a blue period of my life right now... and man, I don't mean blue, I'm talking pitch black, really. But what makes me the saddest isn't my state of mind, my tears or my worries; it kills me that even if I am always lending a shoulder to cry on right now no shoulder is there for me, and I am left to cry on my own... it's hard to cry on a shoulder that is crumbling down... have you ever tried?

I know there are exactly 14 more days until we consider the new year but, my dear reader friend, I feel in no way optimistic as of now, because I don't think that hoping for a better new year is going to improve my chances for happiness... after all I was sitting here last year hoping it would all get better when it didn't.

I wish more than anything that for my birthday (which by the way is Monday) God could give me stability. I am not asking for anything else... just stability. I need to plant at least one good root, I want to say that I no longer have regrets and that I have found a positively static state... more than anything I wish to make order in my life and sort the bad things out from the good ones.

I'd really like to find my way home

Thursday, December 15 2005

Picture mayem

holy cow, it's been almost a month since I last updated this site! Well, you probably noticed the design, which I was able to quickly complete one night at my parents' house and with their fast computer, lately I haven't even been able to open Photoshop with mine!

Anyway, besides spending a buckload of money on Christmas presents, most of which are for myself, here I am back to normality.

Here in Italy last week was holiday so we got to spend 5 whole days home! I took the chance of going to this fair that takes place in Milan every year and promotes internationally handmade objects AND BOUGHT THE WORLD!!

Here's the world I bought:

1) a bunch of beautiful scented colored plastic/glass material-ish roses to hand out to a few of the nice colleagues on the last day of work before the holidays

2) a big piece of sicilian cheese (I know that sounds ridiculous but I love the cheese and they only make that cheese in Sicily)

3) two Peruvian nativities... well one for me and one for my mom... it's the best, you have Mary and Joseph wearing sombreros and Joseph has some big black mustache

4) A beautiful Russian doll (I decided I will start collecting those!!!)

Well, since it's really late and I gotta get back to bed, here are all the pictures, which include my holiday in the mountains with my parents... it was cold so the big michelin body I had was due to the gagillion sweaters I was wearing k??? hehe

Here are the mountains, check out the photography of the town etc. I really tried to depict something in there, hope you like it!

Plus check out my house decorated for the holidays!

Sunday, November 20 2005

Sore muscles

Gawd, I feel like there's just a small thread holding together all my joints... I think I overdidit with the gym this time... well, I don't have a chance to go during the week, actually I don't feel like going with the car and then coming back home having a hard ass time finding a place to park my car. Tuesdays are the only musts for me because of hip hop but besides that I have weekends to work out.

So I went yesterday and today too... don't worry, I worked different parts of my body but still! I hate it when I work out arms and then have to wash/dry my hair... it's the hardest thing ever!

How was your weekend? Mine was totally relaxing, besides housecleaning and taking out all the Christmas decorations, now I have boxes around the entire living room. Yesterday I opened up the branches of the tree (it's faux naturally) and now it's just sitting there in the corner... I am trying to think of some pedestal I can put it on... because compared to the high ceiling it's really small. It's about my height (1.74m).

Ok I just got done eating and now I am typing with my elbows kinda resting on my legs because I can't even keep my arms up right now... I am such a dork!

Well, nothing else to say besides that tomorrow it's Monday and back to work, after that they are bringing my groceries home and afterwards I'll get to decorate the tree! Right now I couldn't with my arms LOL. I have been doing mad abs lately... I have a question: how long do I have to do abs and how frequently to get a four pack? Like, 24 hours a day crunchin' for about a year? Give me a clue pls...

Thursday, November 17 2005

Pekaboo

Hellow, again, I've been around, it's just that I have been real busy at work (thank heavens, at least the day goes by faster) and going on with my life... going to the gym whenever I can (Tuesdays are a must cuz of my hiphop classes, yannow I'm starting to look like less of an asshole when I do the steps) and hanging out with S in the weekends, then going to visit my parents and such. Always planning to either upgrade massively or purchase a new PC cuz this is really giving me so much space. What's new? Well, Christmas is coming around and I am already thinking about how I am going to decorate around the house... I love when November comes along! I don't remember when I put up my tree last year but I remembered keeping that bad boy up for like 2 months... why the heck no? You are feelin' the spirit, why not decorate?

I went on Ebay and spent a lotta bucks on the new stuff, among those; this new holiday projector for my mom that you play against your house wall and it shows little animated lights like snowflakes and such... quite cute!

But here is the stuff that I got myself:

1) Precious Moments mini nativity set

2) Gingerbread Christmas Wreath (totally recommend the seller, she's so talented!!)

3) Lemax Sugar and Spice pieces (that go along with the few others that I purchased last year)... I'll post pictures of the whole village when they are up.

You prolly think this whole EBay christmas ornament thing is gay gay gay but I love it! Tomorrow I'm going out with S to Rinascente (the Italian Macys) and we'll check out their amazing decorations! I am spending so much money on Christmas already, it's not even funny.

Peace! Talking about that, today Italian authorities arrested three terrorists who were already plotting an attack in our country... no peace to them! In these situations I wish Italy had the death penalty...

Sunday, November 6 2005

Snapshots

Here are some shots Sinem and I took together lately, the first two are the two montages I was telling about in a previous post (Oct. 22) have a laugh on us you awful people! I would have liked to see you!

The last pictures we took Friday when we went to eat Mexican and the waiter was hitting on S. like there's no tomorrow, that's what happens when you wear miniskirts and fishnets girl! :)

As for me that's when I got sick over the food we ate, I swear the movie we watched never ended... maybe cuz Sinem fell asleep and I had the worst upchuck reflexes. The film we saw, Elizabethtown, wasn't even good... despite Orlando Bloom. Oh well, that's how you waste 7.50 Euros on a shitty film.

Getting to update this site is getting harder by the day as my computer is gradually starting to go whack on me, RAM just runs out after starting it and opening up Photoshop successfully is a great achievement, so please bear with me, when I'll be richer I'll get a new machine and update the magazine and mariah section... it's just hard when you have to force your PC through the simplest tasks... like resizing these pictures for you...

So lately I have been obsessing over the upcoming Christmas, as always I am on EBay daily to check out hot items, I'm bidding on a gorgeous wreath (Steph just taught me how to pronounce it!!) and hope I will win it. Also, I am gonna bid on these new Lemax pieces for my gingerbread village... call me a collectionist but to be honest I think I'm getting a bit obsessed over candy landscapes... that explains my love for Willy Wonka's two films! Have you seen the latest one? It's amazing!

OOOh talking about Steph, I just found out yesterday that she accepted a hot job in California and is going to be moving near San Diego... why is it that all the people from college I still keep in touch with end up going to San Diego? Is God trying to tell me something? Well, here I am stuck in Milan working as a secretary... thank goodness I am watching all Friends episodes from season 1 and they are starting to make me feel like I am not the only one who's "Stuck on second gear"...

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year...............

Thursday, October 27 2005

Jigsaw lives

I don't know about you, but most city people (I among them) live lives like a puzzle: in other words, we carry on through the day, the weeks, their months, our existances by performing either successfully or non an errand, and once that errand is done we pass on to the next.

Here in Milan we don't really have the time to stop and look at the sky... maybe cuz our sky is so polluted-grey that it wouldn't make us feel any better, but anyways, we don't have time to stop period! And this is my life, up in the morning, to work until 5/6pm to survive, gym to keep fit, teaching p/t to make a few extra bucks, out with friends just so that we can keep the depression away... oh yeah, and sleep, so that we can recharge to make the above mentioned all over again.

Today was supposed to be my ordinary puzzle... when the puzzle is completed in a sufficiently good enough way we can say that we had an ok day; when we have done everything successfully and had time to realize it we say we had an amazing day (unfortunately those don't happen enough times) but alas, if a few pieces are missing by 9pm (the time it it now that I am writing this entry) you say damn, today was just fucked up!

Today my boss was at work and had me running last minute errands around the clock... which was all right. But afterwards I was gonna go to my grandma's to pick up my car (which my parents brought fixed into Milan since last weekend while I was at their place my battery ran out) and in the meantime get a bite to eat with her...

Well, that was gonna be an unusual plan, meaning I usually come home and barely have enough time to gather my clothes for the gym, but it was no biggy right?

I took the bus to her house... which would have been fine on any other day but not today! For some strange reason, people can't seem to be decent drivers on Thursdays: pick the same time any day of the week, but Thursday is the hectic one. Well, instead of 10 minutes it took me 25 minutes to get there... and once I was there time sort of went by, barely had time finish my meal that it was already gym time.

Hmm, do you realize that some of us have such hectic daily puzzles that we can't even keep up with them? That is why, to feel like we are, we bring all clocks forward. My clock in the living room is 15 minutes forward. My wristwatch is 10 minutes forward. My kitchen clock is 20 minutes forward (so I hurry while I am 90% asleep while drinking my morning coffee). My grandmother's kitchen clock is 15 minutes forward.

Problem is, when we do shit like that we never use the same time, meaning we have a gagillion clocks that all say different things and we have to turn on the tv display to figure out what time it really is... could it be any dumber?

This is why my puzzle got all fucked up. I didn't realize it was time to go and when I did I hurried like a jerk to the gym, to finally discover that I was 15 minutes late and they were already all paired up. WHATTAFAK all the times I go there we practice alone for 20 minutes and then try with partners but not this time! So I thought ok, I can do something else... but I didn't want to, first cuz I was upset I couldn't go to dance class and second because I got my hair done today and too much sweating would have messed it up!!

I did some ellyptical and left like an ass, didn't even enjoy it... and despite the fact that I was getting home 45 minutes earlier already there weren't any parking spots to be found... while in my usual puzzle I come home loop around the same number of times and eventually find one! I finally found a small spot in the perpendicular street and got out my bag, started walking with my head down... and found 2 euros on the ground.

Damn! I know you can't be richer with 2 euros but you can't even leave them there! With two euros you can pay for the magazine I got at lunchtime, or you can get a cappuccino and still have 20 cents left. You can get two subway tickets, two small bottles of water at the gym, get a DVD rental for 2 hours... not bad no?

If we have to feel better about our shitty days thanks to 2 euros we are really gone. It doesn't make up for all the money I probably dropped without realizing, or that time in high school when someone took my keroppi wallet from my gym locker (umph, I hope they are in prison by now...) but at least it's something outside of the jigsaw which is actually good for a change.

Friday, October 22 2005

Where has everybody gone??

All right, it's my bad, cuz I haven't been hanging on the net in a while... meaning while I surf and shop online + update my own site whenever I have something intelligent to say I haven't been chatting on aim or message boards and I haven't reall been visiting the blogs I used to check out.

It's not like I am too goody to read them, it's just that I don't have a chance to follow them carefully... I might read a few posts every now and then but that's it... well, I noticed that almost all the links I mentioned in the www section are dead... and I'm talking about people who had steady sites for even longer than me... are they gone forever or did they just move? Oh well, guess I gotta put on there some new links because that shit's depressing!

It's 12.30am and I got home a while ago... tonight I went with my friend S. to the mall... we were gonna go grab a bite then catch the Oliver Twist movie but didn't get there on time so we just went to this country restaurant and chilled there... the food was really good! We even got this dessert they gave away as brownie but it wasn't really the authentic thing... well, at least they didn't make us pay for those! guess that's all thanks to the cute waiters in the bar... I swear not one of them was ugly! Afterwards we went to take a walk in the gameroom and decided to take those montage pictures... well we didn't mean to but we were all undecided and the time expired so the machine chose this hot model with a white bathing suit (sort of an 80s look due to strange bathing suit underwear...) and we had to put our face in the hole to replace the model's face............ WE LAUGHED LIKE CRAZY because we accidentally printed out multiple copies of what, you must suspect, was nothing like a model-like photo... I look stoned while S looks... well, spooked out!

When I get to work on Monday I'll scan the pictures and put them up cuz they are a fuckin' blast!

Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym from 11 to 3 like I did last week and forcing myself to burn off all the crap I just ate tonight - potato and cheese sticks, a huge burger with fries and a big ass brownie with whipped cream (food was too good to be true!) and then I'll go visit my parents, that's all I know, nothing else real interesting to say so peace, I'm going to bed!

Sunday, October 16 2005

A 2 hour phone call to reminisce

Sucks how it's already Sunday... I've been quite hung up on things lately, ranging from my job which is same ole same ole, to teaching English and to going to the gym and learning hip-hop and latin american dancing... I am so loving it! Plus hip hop isn't as hard as I had previously feared! Steps are still hard to learn and of course the style is a bit of odd-ballish right about now but at least I'm learning plus getting a hang of it!

What's really cool is that lately I've been talking to Steffie on email... we used to chill all the time back in freshman year of college... and we have been writing back and forth for a bit now!! and tonight she actually called me and we talked for a very long time... it's crazy how we change, how we grow through the years and how so easily we can drift away and out of thin air reappear in an unparallel reality together... but I really really enjoy talking to her and am happy we are in touch again!

This weekend was cool, relaxing and went to visit my parents... and my puppies... but besides this nothing new, that's why I haven't posted... I have been around but don't have much interesting to say so in order to avoid annoying you to death I prefer not posting at all. I hope I'll get my writer's vein pumping soon enough... and despite the hecticness in my life I have been thinking about reopening the magazine section... I've always thought about it actually but due to time limits I haven't had a chance to... well, we'll see!

Monday, October 3 2005

Wat'z thiz, a wetta for miii!!!

It's cold, rainy and grey today, quite a yucky way to get back into the work week routine! It's always hard on a Monday, but when you wake up (fairly late compared to other people I know) and you see that outside it's chilly, dark and pours cats and dogs you just feel like getting back under the blanket.

Last week was so hard on me and my health that still today I have somewhat of a cough left but even if all the common flu symptoms have disappeared I can't help feeling weak and sickly plus the two mummies that sit next to me today as every day don't help much.
These situations make you wish for cubicles... I know that people who work in cubicles wish nothing but a real desk with room and such because it's a lot less prison-like but if I had a cubicle around me I'd be able to concentrate more, I'd be able to relax more, cuz seeing the same nauseating faces everyday is really getting to me now...

The annoying one has this sound playing whenever she receives emails, it's tweety bird that says real loud "Whatz this, a wetter for miiii????" and about 200 times a day. Plus she just can't get enough of that same mp3 CD she's been playing since last January, featuring hits by Beyoncè "Crazy in Love," Ricky Martin's "Maria" and all those songs that played back in the 90's that you loved until they got on your nerves after you heard them a gazillion times... 

Well, at least in a half hour I am leaving, I am happy, even if I have to go pay my car insurance under the pouring rain... that should take a while, afterwards I'll get home put on my pajamas and think of nothing but laying on the couch... even if I have a lot of housekeeping to do... 

PAST MONTH