Friday, November 26 2004

What you don't write will hurt you...

So I've been browsing through my cluttered hard drive and noticed several unfinished documents that were long ago a failed attempt to be continued. Forever I've been wanting to write a book about anything at all, a novel, an autobiography.

But in the first case I was blocked because I just didn't think my plots would be good enough. In the second, I didn't continue because I asked myself just how many people would care to read about what happened in my life.

I get a bit more optimistic when I teach to my students and here and there I tell them a few anecdotes about my life in the US and now my life in Italy.

Problems I have understanding both cultures, little stories that left a big, deep mark in me, happenings that made me the person that I am today.

And as I explain to them about the time when I was held at US immigration for a half hour because I couldn't understand what the officer was telling me, or when I tell them about the way Christmas or Thanksgiving is spent in the US they stare at me and listen carefully and with interest to what I'm saying.

Some of them have even asked me why I haven't been writing all this down and I tell them that someday I will. I tell myself that I will start tomorrow... but tomorrow never comes.

It's either I have no time, or no inspiration, or need to go someplace, or am cold and cannot concentrate. But I must, I must do it. Then again I'm not so encouraged when I read my many books of 2000 pages and say damn how am I going to ever get through this?

All I have for now is an autobiography assignment I did for my Women Studies college course at Rutgers. I remember just how much liberating it was to finally put my thoughts on paper, to somehow leave an imprint on 30 sheets of paper or even better, in a person's mind. I remember I was the only student who got an A... one of the few A's I received in my hardcore literature college classes.

But alas I don't know why I'm still here blogging away telling you about all this when I could be writing at least a paragraph of this unborn book. I feel it, I see it in my mind... it's been lingering for years. I hope that someday I'll be able to set it free.

So after an intense week of worrying about the upcoming bills and witnessing surprising 4.2 Richter scale earthquakes (I swear I almost shit in my pants) I am going to spend the weekend at my mom's. I think it's good to feel loved once in a while. There are so many people around me that say they love me and care about me and yet I wonder why they can be so selfish... but then again that's the nature of a human being.

A whole month away from Fabio... I'm beginning to get sick of living this way. I had experiences in my past that unfortunately drew me apart from people I really loved. I hate long distance relationships... thank goodness it'll be over soon.

QUOTE: Every fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying. (Harry Anderson)

Sunday, November 21 2004

Dirty Mirror on the Wall

I've got some new pictures I took in front of the mirror. I wanted to just send them to Fabio but I said what the heck I'll post them on the site too... please don't mind the mirror, it's not so clean.

more...

I made another, much nicer miniature gingerbread house with clay but dammit I left it in the oven and the white snowy rooftop became piss yellow... I'm pretty upset because I wanted to use it as a Christmas ornament.

Fabio completely shot down my tree saying it was too naked and didn't have enough decorations. Yannow, those decorations were great on a smaller tree but I think he's right, I need to get a few more...

As for me I've been obsessing with Lemax Christmas villages... I want the Sugar & Spice and Santa Wonderland pieces.

Here they are for your viewing pleasure.

Friday, November 19 2004

**My B-day is in exactly 1 month!!**

Chistmasitis

Yeah, it's not even Thanksgiving yet and I have alas just finished decorating my new Christmas tree, it's new and big, Fabio and I bought it together last week.

And in case you are up to date with my life, I had to get a new one cuz some unknown assmunch stole my former, cute lil' tree two years ago and last Christmas I was forced to decorate the living room Ficus due to low wallet content.

We chose to get a big tree because we figure we're going to be using it for the next few years or so.

So as I did two years ago, I put on my favorite Christmas collection CD and started opening up the branches of the tree... and got, like, 5 small cuts in my fingers.

Then I broke out all my wonderful decorations, but not before adding the new mini lights we got that do all those light games (fast blink, disappearing, alternating... 8 effects in all ).

Here are pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Life's not been handing out lemons to me lately. In fact I am still hoping for a good future employment opportunity (in which I won't have to walk around Milan under the pouring rain like an idiot) and I'm also wondering just when I'm going to be able to stop worrying about money like I do... but really, once you start thinking that it's all right and things are getting better woom there go some brand new fucked up ways for people to scrape money off of you. Dammit, I wish I were a winner of that darn Italian lottery in January... grandpa, Aunt Stefania, great grandma, Gnau, Carlotta, fish, all of you up there who I love and love me please make me win the lottery ... lol, I'm asking for way too much ain't I?

Wednesday, November 10 2004

Well, not yet

It's Tuesday evening and I just wanted to show you what I have been working on. That shit took me forever to make but I wanted to give it as a little trinket to my mom on her birthday... I hope she'll appreciate it!

I have added it to my new creations gallery, now under the album section.

Tuesday, November 09 2004

And it's suddenly cold

Sooner than I could say "damn it's winter" it got so cold that this afternoon I thought my ears were going to fall off. But thanks for me they are still attached to my head.

I am tired of waiting, since I am already noticing Christmas commercials I'm posting my new design. I might add a few tweaks as time goes by but for now this is it...

Also, check out my new hobby, I created a miniature Christmas penguin with polymer clay. It's as big as a penny and I am quite proud of it because it's my first creation. So there check it out and love it hehe.

July 2005- amazing!

I am so looking forward to that movie!

Saturday, November 06 2004

Old Mr. Cianci

Just a couple minutes ago I was looking outside my window, noticing how the time change had shortened the days, that my eyes came across Mr. Cianci, one of my neighbors.

I've known him ever since I was a little girl, because his son and I used to play together in the small courtyard. But this man isn't weird just because of his old age: he's always been a strange man.

I strongly believe that he spies on me from his house every time I take out the garbage because he's really picky about recycling. And also because he's known to have the strange habit of picking up things from the containers, seemingly unnecessary used and/or broken items that, he thinks, may be of use someday, somehow.

When I run into him he stops me to ask me how my family is etc. I mean, he's overall a nice man even if his habits leave me with no words.

I know his wife is such a bossy devil that sometimes she makes him go sleep in the cellar. I never go down there because of possible encounters with roaches/rats or else, but I've noticed that while all the other doors in the cellar are wooden and half-broken, his is iron and sturdy. And heaven knows what is beyond it.

My theory is that he has a bed in it, with small furniture and books. And surrounding him there are hundreds of broken items he's picked up off the streets of Milan. I think that is a common disorder... to pick up things off the garbage.

Just now he picked up a hubcap... and went off somewhere with his little moped.

I swear, Milan is a curious city. Here nobody wants to reveal their secrets to strangers, everyone pretends minding their own business when really they know who you are, where you're going and what you ate for lunch.

But if you stand at the window and look outside you'll see a whole world passing right before your eyes, from the porter of the front house checking out a teenager as she walks by, to an old grumpy woman with an ugly dog who doesn't clean up after it.

From the neighborhood priest walking around blessing houses and collecting money to the habitual 2 hookers taking appointments and making more money than many employees.

I've been buying gingerbread ornaments on EBay, little village houses with happy little people smiling together. But that is not Christmas... it's how it should be but it isn't true.

And so, as my heart tries to imagine the spirit of Christmas despite the early time I can't imagine this street wrapped into the spirit of the holidays.

Friday, November 05 2004

New design almost here!

I have a really cute wintry design in my hands and I can't wait to put it up! I am certain it's hot because I found the graphics from a very nice website (so for the first time I'll be borrowing some graphics for a layout, a little hint on your right).

However I think it's just too early to publish it because we are quite far away from Christmas! I won't post it until my impatience can't hold me any longer.

Because I need to change the Christina Aguilera layout, it's so non-holiday!

New magazine issue

To all those who still haven't noticed, I published the November issue of the online magazine, you can find it here.

- Brand new reviews

- A new targeted! article dedicated to Bush

- A new transforming article featuring Madonna through the years (must see!!)

- New fashion reports

and much, much more!!

Monday, November 01 2004

So I was thinking that no matter how much time and work you put into a relationship, no matter what you do, you will always end up empty handed.

I hope this is just a nervous moment that's forcing me to release my tension on this piece of cyber paper, to be lost in an ocean of words that half make sense, half don't.

What I want to say is, isn't it fucked up when you sacrifice your life, decisions and habits for someone you fall in love with? And while you do it you don't regret it, everything is justified because you love that person so much that it becomes the most beautiful and important thing that you have.

So you suffer for the difficulties you two have, the fact that for now you cannot be together, but then you try to make things better, you want to change destiny, destroy all barriers just so that you can be with him at last.

And while you go on your crusade of impossible causes you keep your head up, because you are happy to do all this for a happily ever after.

Then one day one tiny thing makes you click, one small detail that makes you realize that when you are in love you can't see anything but the sugar coating. When you notice all of a sudden that what you are willing to sacrifice is really, in fact, being thrown away and what you don't understand is how the other person is not willing to sacrifice one bit of their life to get close to you, maybe because he sees you are already getting close he just says "what the hell, she's going to be here eventually, so why break my barriers?"

And then there is a crack. You figure it all out and while you try to explain your confusion to the other person he (as always) misunderstands and then, since you are a wild bear in the open, you start insulting and screaming him.

And then it's all over. He is the type of person that can't discuss the problem when he is angry so he just hangs up the telephone on you.

Nobody has ever hung up the phone on me. I was the "hanger upper," the heartbreaker, the decision-maker. So all of a sudden you realize how weak you are, and how even if you show off to everyone and pass as a tough, unbreakable person, you are as broken as can be.

Because to resemble the person you love so much you have broken all of yourself, your habits, your likes, your personality. What you used to not care before now becomes a complex, what didn't worry you before now does.

And you linger, waiting, surprised at how far you have gone trying to be someone else. All to get that happily after. And no matter how happy you felt or that person made you feel you feel empty inside.

You are just a shell in prey of an unknown future, a future that is no longer yours.

That's What Love Can Do

I wanted a lover
To show me the way love goes
To know what it felt like
To let something take control
To live the expression
I'm head over heels this time
Unafraid to be open
And thinking I'd be just fine
But I found the very end
That it all depends

'Cause love can lift you so high
Or it'll leave you to die
And it's not like you ever get to choose
(Which way that it leads you)
Ooh it can play with your mind
Or make you feel so alive
Either way you'll survive 'cause
That's what love can do
Ohh, yeah yeah
That's what love can do

I guess now I get why
They say love is a dangerous game
'Cause when you think that you're winning
You find out that you just been been played
You give and you sacrifice
You make changes in your life
Everyone's got advice
But no one's got a clue (not even you)
And I found in the very end
That it all depends

'Cause love can lift you so high
Or it'll leave you to die
And it's not like you ever get to choose
(Which way that it leads you)
Ooh it can play with your mind
Or make you feel so alive
Either way you'll survive 'cause
That's what love can do
Ooh, ohh, ooh
That's what love can do

I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming
Dreaming of when I believed in
Fairy tales, sunset sails, it never fails
Till reality sets in
I begin to comprehend how crazy this has been
And I can't depend on
Anyone for my happily ever after
Yeah, yeah

'Cause love can lift you so high
Or it'll leave you to die
And it's not like you ever get to choose
(Which way that it leads you)
Ooh it can play with your mind
Make you feel so alive
Either way you'll survive 'cause, ohh
That's what love can do
That's what love can do, ohh
'Cause that's what love can do, oh yeah

Ohh ooh, hey
It can tear you apart
And it's broken, broken my heart
That's what love can do
Ooh

(C. Aguilera)

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