Monday

When I think about it I realize that my life is made up of a never ending routine, and no matter how many different things may happen during my day everything just always revolves around a preset, organized rhythm of life.

For example, in the morning I wake up at 7.45 even if exactly 1 hour early I get up to pee… otherwise I can’t fall asleep again. Once awake I go make coffee, I take the “arm” out of the machine and beat it against the base of my counter so the coffee that I made the morning before plops out solidly, then I rinse the iron arm under hot water and in the meantime I wait for the machine’s light to switch on. Then I fill the arm with coffee, fix it onto the machine and push the button… while I am having my 5-minute breakfast I watch either news or cartoons (depending on my mood) on the small kitchen television above me and eat a small brioche.
No matter how much I’m trying to diet lately I’m not willing to give up the brioche for an egg with ricotta, but I believe that out of desperation for trying to lose weight I’ll eventually do so.
Afterwards I go wash myself and in my mind I try to imagine my entire closet and what I can manage to find presentable to match and wear. I choose my outfit in my head… so to all those of you that need to spend 20 minutes to mix and match one shirt against another pair of pants believe me, what I do isn’t all that smart. I mean, since I suffer from a seriously tragic form of forgetfulness (I blame it all on my short-term memory and not my distraction) I seem to end up wearing the same clothes over and over again, even if my closet is full of brand new things that have never seen the polluted air of Milan.
If I try to dare wearing something really cute and elegant it takes me more than 1 hour to get ready and since I don’t want to wake up earlier than 7.40 that rarely happens. So after trying to make my pale, tired face look at least presentable and choosing the torturing shoes of the day (I’ve never been a shoe person, everything with heels eventually annoys me to death and gives me blisters) I leave the house.

After walking about 150 metres I arrive at the metro station where hoards of screaming, annoying college students are storming out in my exact opposite direction; boy, if I think that only a couple of years ago I belonged to their group I feel bad for myself… then again I feel so mentally old lately that even they happen to call me “Mrs.” Sometimes.
Getting on the train is a mission that only the brave can endure. In fact, the wagons are so packed full of human beings that you need to squish against some old smelly man that even at 8.30 in the morning has terrible breath and smells like alcohol.

Once on the train I lean against a side (it’s better to be squished against a wall than a pervert) I pull out my latest book, this morning it was Agatha Christie’s “The Murder of Roger Ackroyd.” I only fool myself with that, because I don’t even have the time to read 4 full pages that I arrive at my stop “Gioia,” exactly 4 subway stops from where I get on near my house.
Walk another 100 metres, enter the building, go up to the 7th floor with the elevator, pull out my badge, swipe it at around 8.40/8.45 everyday, get in the office, turn on my computer, take off my jacket, open my drawers and pull out the work to do for the day.
Once in the office I enter the twilight zone, an endless 9-hour period broken thankfully by a 1-hour lunch at the same and usual restaurants and made up of similar units of time, where you constantly get to see the faces of people you simply can’t tolerate, the attitudes that drive you mad and the tasks you have been bored with ever since they got too repetitive.

Out of the office I do the same exact commuting that I did in the morning only in reverse and arrive home at around 6.00/6.30pm. Some evenings I teach, others I don’t, but anyways I barely have the time to make dinner, take a shower, watch half a movie I don’t remember anything of the morning after, and by 9.30 I’m already dead tired. A half hour on the phone with Fabio until exhaustion and then to bed… I don’t even have enough time to start dreaming that my jazzy phone ring wakes me up at 7.40am of the next day… and round and round again…

Don't know why 3 people in my life have been living with cancer simultaneously, one aquaitance died last week, the other is an aunt I don't keep in touch with often (so I just found out today she had had surgery) and at last but really not at all least my grandmother.

Why is it that the bad shit hits you in the head all at once? Plus my grandfather is in the hospital, the one I haven't spoken to since I was 16 because he was drunk when he thought I had hung up the phone on him and called me a fuckin' bitch.

Honestly, is my family from hell? Why are we so damned horrible? All of us? All hating each other, doing bad things to one another... and then dying alone??

I went to church last Sunday and every evening before I go to bed I started the habit of reading a few verses from the Bible, right now I'm just at the part before the 10 Commandments... I think it's useful to know what your God says no? Let's hope that this spiritual change of mine will make me look decent in the eyes of God and he'll help me out with all this illness around me... and of course help them especially.

Hey you, I've got a new design up... even if I want to get a new computer believe it or not but ever since I've been using Win98 I've been going like a train with Photoshop open, FrontPage, the internet, music playing... I'm loving it!

I took a few minutes to work on a new design, I hope you find it all right. I haven't been coming out with decent designs lately and I have to admit that this one too me very little time to develop but these days I've been so busy at work with some PowerPoint presentations that the least thing I wish to see in the evening when I return home is a computer screen!!

Does it ever happen to you to feel like a piece of poop? I mean, do you ever feel guilty for not talking or wanting to see some people that hurt you or upset you? I think it's important to give but receive something in return so when someone who is supposed to love you doesn't show you his/her support or doesn't seem to care at all about your problems or future you say screw you then, goodbye!

But what happens when you have that type of relationship with half the people in your family?? You start to think in your head:

1) My family is full of nutcase sons of bitches and should be wiped off the face of the earth to avoid other eventual troubles

Can't be n. 3... just cannot! But then why is it that I feel guilty? Because I want to patch our relationship up with these people? Certainly one thing I have noticed, without them I am better... I am not happier but I have one, two less concerns. Plus I don't need to think about fighting and such...

Forgive me if I'm kinda odd, you should know by now that I am a pain in the ass! Ohhh by the way I am restarting my South Beach Diet... I know last year I only made like 3 posts in the fitness blog but I guess that should change because I'll be updating it again! This is what happens after a Christmas, Easter, Valentines' Day, visit at the mother-in-law, etc. temptations of amazing food and delicious dessert... I have put back almost all the kilos I had dropped proudly last summer.

I feel releived at the fact that by this time last year I hadn't started my regime and even then I was looking fabulous by July/August!! So I'll keep ya posted akay?

Halow! I've had my computer back for a few days now and just now I have all the necessary programs installed to send you an update of what's going on in my vida...

The man at the computer center told me my computer is too old and it's not wise to install too much on it like Windows XP so I'm back to <<shivers>> ehmn... Windows 98. Fuck that, it's a gagillion times better than Windows ME, at least I got rid of it! Then again I so wish to get a new comuter... there is this one from Dell that only costs 780 Euros... and it's actually a pretty good machine, with a 19' LCD monitor included and such.

Well, I am still way too attached to my barely-working computer to part from it so we'll see in the future.

This morning I got up at 10 and took a shower, then went to church... there was an old priest and he was quite boring but ever since I started going back in January because I had to for the marriage preparation course I've taken the habit to go once in a while because I want to.

It's nice to finally regain some faith in the Church after the trauma of a pedophile religion teacher and a priest and nun that stole a whole lotta money back in my Catholic high school.

And don't tell anyone, but I've also taken the habit in the evening to read a few verses from the Bible... because I think it's important to know everything about your religion's history, and not because you have to in school etc. but because you need to for yourself... otherwise what the hell do you believe in if you don't even know the Bible?? Now I'm reading the story about the Jews that left Egypt, damn that Pharaoh was stubborn!!

Sorry, I'm gonna stop with this religious stuff as I know many of you don't want to hear me babble about my own faith and here are a few things I answered while I was bored at work in the past few months...

Bold those that apply to you:

on the cheek.
on the lips.
on their hands or fingers.
in my room.
in their room.
of the same sex.
of the opposite sex.
younger than me.
older than me.
with jet black hair.
with curly hair.
with blonde hair & blue eyes.
with flaming red hair.
with straight hair.
bigger/taller than me.
with a lip ring.
who was drunk.
who was high.
who I had just met. (not sex though!)
who was homosexual.
who I didn't really want to kiss.
on a holiday.
who was going out with someone else.
who was going out with someone close to me.
who was my good friend's brother or sister.
who had been/is in jail. (does house arrest count?)
in a graveyard.
at a show/concert.
at the beach.
in a pool, Jacuzzi, or some type of water
who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with.
with dyed hair.
with a shaved head.
who was/is my good friend.
who was/is in a band
who has tattoos.
who is of a completely different race than me.
in the rain.
in another continent besides where I was born.
with an accent.
with an std.
on a boat. (does a cruise ship count?)
in a car/taxi/bus.
on a plane.
at the circus/carnival.
with a missing body part.
in the movies.
Eskimo style. (excuse me, don't know what that means)