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Archives > July-August 2005

Friday, August 26 2005

It must be done in person

I have spoken to him twice since the beginning of the week when, as I explained in my last post, a world of disappointment fell on top of my shoulders all of a sudden... anyway, things are not easy to explain by phone, so I decided to go on my resort vacation with him anyways... even if as of yesterday afternoon I was convinced I was going to do it movie style and stay here... you know, the typical scene when he's waiting at the terminal, and there's this sad piano song playing in the background, and all sorts of people exit the airport: children, happy couples, old ladies... until the exit is empty, and and I never walk through it.

Am I too drammatical? I think it's important for him to realize just how much he hurt me, whether he defended me or not, he regardless didn't try to explain things to me in a reassuring tone, in a comforting and protecting way... he just blurted stupid shit out that showed me he didn't trust me nor my actions completely.

As far as my family in Sicily is concerned, while before I had no problems with them whatsoever despite the rupture with my dad now I don't want to even speak to them...

I think people who love you can advise you, comfort you, suggest, clarify, open up your mind on topics you feel a certain way about... but they can't get in your business, impose their ways... force you...

Talk to ya when I get back!!

Monday, August 22 2005

Back in black

Great start! Already the first day back to work I am getting ready to hit something...

It's a hard knock life... especially when you realize that the person you have picked to spend "the rest of your life" with is easily influenced by strangers... and that, my friends, is a clear enough sign of ignorance (the number one cause of human stupidity).

One fine sunny day back in Milan, after two pleasant and realaxing weeks of vacation I find out that in a shitty small town in the south of Sicily I have been the hot topic of the summer, I, the horrible nephew who didn't dare keep in touch with her family because of an argument she had with her father.

Whatever.

We all know small people talk about others because they have nothing better to do... but when my fiancée listens to them talking about me and believes even half a word they say against mine that's when I lose it and when I start to think that MAYBE, this isn't the right person for me.

That I, the one who always tries to blend in and accept a new culture/way of life/mentality am the most ignorant of them all. Because you can't fit a bowling ball into a matchbox... because if you are born round you can't die square.

So the above is good enough a reason for me to cut bridges with shallow people, those who barely try to float away through life, and start swimming away.

As I start to ponder a new direction on this day that was meant to be insignificant like all others I am reminded of my foolishness and immaturity... in my false belief that love can conquer all boundaries, in my unawareness of people's real identities, that maybe this is God's way of showing me I am swimming against the current... and that my destiny belongs somewhere else.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thursday, August 4 2005

Hittin' the road

I'm truly concerned, how will I be spending my two weeks of holiday with Fabio and his clothes and hunger? I have a feeling he's going to bring along his dress shirts and that I'll be spending 2 weeks ironing without air conditioning... and then again, I'll need to worry about cooking for him lunch and dinner, and come up with something quick and easy to make.

Sometimes I wonder why us women have to be destined to work all days of the year, while men sit and watch tv or better think they are helping you by stirring a few liquids around or taking thrice the time to do something you'd probably do in 5 minutes.

Could it be because men are so used to having their mother do everything for them that they take a woman's job for granted? Or do they pretend that they don't know?

Then they come up to you and ask you "when are we having kids?" and you say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat I am 24 years-old, am still learning to take care of myself, worrying a lot about how hard it's going to be taking care of you the rest of my life and I already have to think about having to raise a little thing that looks adorable but cries day and night and you can't even go to the bathroom because you need to pay attention that it doesn't fall or do something devastating?

Let me tell you, I hear my neighbors' kid cry and scream from early morning when I wake up to late at night. When I come home in the evening I can hear him yell from the ground floor, it looks like he's waiting for me to arrive to make hell happen.

I can't even sit in front of the TV without raising the volume old-lady-loudness because the yelling is so high pitched that I don't understand what the people are saying at regular volume.

I know that this is going to annoy some of you women who have kids even at my age and are extremely happy, but I wrote this so that one day I can look back and tell myself how immature I was... but really, as of today you ask me if I want a child and I respond NO WAY! Of course if it happened accidentally I'd be happy anyway to raise it but if I got a choice then I'll pass...

Monday, August 1 2005

Sweet dreams are made of this?

So I'm stuck as always in this sad limbo that is my Mondays at work. Completely annoyed by my usual co-worker and her kickboxing new age / techno music. I put in my Mariah greatest hits CD and I can still hear the annoying instrumental drumming in the background.

Does it ever happen to you to dream about people in your past that you knew/cared nothing about back then nor now? Last night I dreamt about this kid Erik P. that I used to like a small bit back in high school (I swear the crush lasted 1 week)... I dreamt that I saw him in this auditorium and we spoke a lot, then we left together and I turned around for a moment outside... and he was gone. Disappeared completely.

Is this supposed to mean something? I swear to you that I didn't like him all this much to actually dream about him, as a matter of fact there wasn't a single brain cell in me that dedicated half a thought to him.

Then I had another dream... and this gets a bit dark as my odd dreams usually do. I dreamt of my ex bf SJ. I was still in the U.S., I guess... he called me and said "hi this is J" (he introduced himself with his last name) and I said happy to hear from him "hi!! how are you??" So he replied "look, I need your help... Matt and I found a dead dog under this highway tunnel, we have him in a bag... we need you to take him to the pound so that they will bury him." WHATTAFAK?? Why are you asking ME who you haven't spoken to in two years to take a dead dog in a bag and bring him to the pound??

Please tell me this means something (hopefully not terrible) because if it doesn't then I oughta take some fuckin' pills! First a dream about some kid I didn't even remember existed, then a dream about my ex asking me to bury a dog... I think I am losing it for real!

This week is really slow here in Italy, cuz August is a big month of vacation, I am looking forward to mine, Fabio is coming on Friday and we are thinking about going straight on to my parents' house, sleep there and leave the next morning for the shore. I so need to get away from this city!

I spent the weekend at my parents', it look like we got through the worst part, the surgery and everything. I just hope this is the end of it (or almost) because I don't think we'd be able to easily sustain another blow like this... the third since the beginning of 2005. And there I was hoping for this year to be better than the last... am I stuck in a downward spiral? Is next year going to be even worse than this one? Is it ever going to get better?

We are living in an age where our homes are no longer safe, cancer is the ill of the century and seems to get everyone sooner or later and here I am dreaming about past crushes and dead dogs... what's happening to me?

Oh... my... god... it's 2.30 pm and I think I am about to fall off my chair. I am so tired, bored, annoyed and crappy that I am getting a half idea of falling asleep in the bathroom again... just 5 minutes. Reminds me of back in the old days when I used to fall asleep in the library during free periods.

I wonder what my purpose in this office is, just around holiday time when nobody is willing to do any work whatsoever! I think I'm just going to publish this rambling post as is, because if I go on writing to you I'll just be annoying so there... period.

Wednesday, July 27 2005

Shuttles and the war

It's not really worth me saying it to you, cuz I know you are aware, but my following comments are here just so that, hopefully, you or I can look back at them in a near future and say "thank God it's over."

I don't know about where you live, but here in Italy it's complete mayem and fear about this whole terrorism deal. We strongly suspect that we will be next and therefore, many of us have begun to change habits and even routes. For example, I get to the office by metro, but lately I have been trying to take the tram instead.

Sometimes I get all spiritual-like and say to myself that if it's God's will and estabilished destiny, I can't escape from my own death so it's not even worth trying to run away from possible situations. But fuck, if I can avoid them altogether maybe death will come around later for me????

In the meantime the Americans have launched a shuttle up there, what the fuck... don't we have enough to worry about in this world that we need to explore unknown and extremely dangerous zones of this already-fucked up-enough universe??

Didn't the last accident with the shuttle convince them that maybe, at least now in this time of need, we should worry about the unknown and unexplored zones we have here on earth... like... for example... the Pakistan desert??? Or maybe Beduin towns in Egypt?? They say Beduins who are all taxi drivers at Sharm didn't offer service the night of the bombings... there wasn't a taxi to be found. That makes me wonder why???

So here in Italy, since us Italians are an already-pessimistic and exaggerating crowd, we have been freakin' out. I notice that some people are turning to Asian meditation, Sushi and methods of self-reassurance... we are turning to something that we hope is more powerful than what we have in our hands.

As much a Christian as I can be I realize there's really not much the Church in the Vatican can do except bitch about the new Harry Potter book and beg terrorists to repent and stop their wrongful doings... but please, they have a whole different "God" and hate you especially because you don't believe in him!!

Yesterday I went to the bookstore and bought the National Geographic Guide to Japan. It was cheap and no, I'm not planning on going to Japan anytime soon, but flipping through it and noticing the clean gardens and the majestic temples it kind of made me go through a voyage in my mind... in these days that our houses aren't safe and neither are the countries all around us. I just find more comfort in my travel book, in my novels and in my cheesy movies, at least they help me run away from all the bad that's been in my life lately...

Two days ago I saw a flier stuck to a store window offering 24 hours of Japanese lessons for 150 Euros... when I went to check out the website I found out the school is also a cultural exchange centre, where Italians meet with Japanese and all go out to eat pizza or sushi... I think it might be a cool experience, do you think I am out of my mind? Do you think it isn't worth it to go and learn some oriental language when I probably will never see Japan in my life?

I don't know about all this, I am just confused, confused about where all this world is heading to... but if the astronauts are going to find a land more peaceful than this one we live on then PLEASE, let me get on the shuttle away...

Tuesday, July 26 2005

Jellogirl

Today I woke up feeling like a bowl of jello... last night I fell asleep quite late, first I was watching Mona Lisa Smile with Julia Roberts (what a "duuh" movie) and then I was chatting on the phone with Fabio. You can tell we miss each other because he hates staying on the phone for too long, he says his ear hurts and burns... might be due to the fact that his phone receiver is the shape of a piano so it's quite uncomfortable! I remember I used to have a coca cola bottle phone, what in the world happened to it??

Once we got off the phone I stayed up with the a/c all the way reading my health magazine. I am suffering from good-book-witdrawal. I got done reading the latest Harry Potter book two days ago (it officially took me 7 days to read it among doing other things such as work etc.). I found it to be amazing, of course, but it kind of left me an emptiness inside... am I going to have to wait two years or more for it to be filled up?

I am in desperate need of a good book to fulfill my empty and meaningless days. I've been reading "The Second Year of the Sisterhood" which is the continuation of "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants," it's a cute story, but all there is to it is a few smiles, it's not a fulfilling reading.

Sigh, I miss reading "The Secret Life of Bees" that indeed was an excellent book!

Oh, btw, I am working on an August design for the site, just before I go on vacation... I'm really looking forward to leaving, just to disconnect from this shitty city. I'm going to be gone from the 6th to the 21st and then again from the 26th to the 4th of September. Naturally I will take plenty of pictures from my fat ass for the blog... and no, I haven't managed to shed one pound but damn, I had plenty of problems to worry about... let's see what I can get done in the next few days, should I starve myself perhaps? Oh don't worry, I wouldn't be able to go through with it anyway...

Saturday, July 23 2005

Sushiful!

Last night Sinem and I went out to finally try that Sushi bar she had seen at Bicocca Village. I haven't had sushi since the years I lived in the US and we used to buy huge wheels full sushi rolls at Costco... I guess sushi's hard to get used to but damn, once you get the hang of it you just can't stop eating it!

This place was just amazing, the typical Sushi bar you see in NYC, it has an area for sitting and normally eating full entrees and an actual bar with a conveyor belt dragging all around it small plates, each with something interesting a new to try. The dishes are colorful, depending on the color you pay something different, for example the orange plate is E2.50, the white one is E2.00 and so on... you pick the dish you want to eat and take it off the conveyor belt to eat it.

We started simple with fried chicken, and then went on to Sashimi and other pieces of Sushi... of course I loved it!!! Unfortunately my friend didn't seem to adore it (I bet she wished we had gone to the Mexican joint across the Sushi place) but I remember when I had first tried Japanese food I didn't find it all that... now it's lunchtime and I swear I wish I was sitting down at the place to eat more! Addictive!

We took some pictures with Sinem's camera... even if I warn you they didn't come out all that well cuz his camera isn't exactly top-notch however as soon as she sends them to me I'll post them... I can't wait to go eating Sushi again... but who's gonna come with me?? I think Fabio would sit there in front of the little rotating plates, he'd look at me and say "Is this all there is to eat??"

Thursday, July 21 2005

All for a purse

This morning I wasted 10 minutes just to fit all my stuff into my wonderfuly but unfortunately too-tiny new Cellini bag (see image in the post below).

It's simple, all I have to do is eliminate the excess, the unnecessary, do my purse packing "Jenny Style."

My best friend Jenny from back in high school used to carry these tiny gothic black velvet purses, or these small box-shaped transparent bags (I always wondered where she hid her tampons). However, as soon as she needed to open her bag up whoom!! the world would suddenly pop out... lipstick, tissues, candy, coins, keys, gum, tapes, notes... and I always wondered how she could fit her entire world into that small pouch.

Well, my male friends, a purse is a woman's whole existance.

All I had to do was a bit of jigsaw! So first of all, the wallet... the one with the puppy (see photo in "Sick Sad World" gallery) let's not think about all the stuffed receipts, membership cards and useless pennies that are inside of it. Next, cell phone; that's when my new miniscule phone comes in handy, too bad I have two rubber chicken Pooh and light-up Pooh critters dangling from it that take up a quarter of my bag's space.

Next, my work id and chest key, then my lunch tickets... ok, I think I have all the necessary stuff inside.

Big absentees: my lipgloss, gum and tissues. Ok, I have lipgloss and gum in the office, as far as tissues are concerned I guess I'll sniff if necessary until I get to the office.

See, that wasn't so difficult! All that's left now is... dammit... sigh... darnit... gosh... my keys. And I already am missing my car key because the mechanic has it but what about my other 5 million keys? Well, stuff it in I guess, do it Jenny Style. So at least I was able to finally carry my purse to work, let's forget about the fact that I worried its heaviness would eventually cause the orange beaded straps to give out in the subway and that a bunch of people would slip & slide on them breaking their necks...

Dammit, why don't they make all bags big? Forget it, I have the answer... because the bigger it is the more stuff you have suddenly become necessary, so there's got to be a limit! Even when we had a jumbo bag our boyfriends give us their stuff to put away, for example their bulky wallet which they usually carry in their jeans pocket causing them to have an overgrown buttcheek... or their sunglasses, or their small purchases... so you become the ass of the situation.

Why is it that us women always exaggerate? In everything, our emotions, our gossiping, our shopping. I'm one of the few rare women out there who don't suffer from shoe obsession, but I love clothes and accessories... and whenever I go away somewhere I pack jumbo suitcases... thank the wise man who invented carry-ons and wheels in general!

Sometimes I wish I were a man... I mean a woman with the head of a man... who doesn't like women and isn't too butch. Well, in simpler words I wish I didn't give a damn what my stupid "friend" would say about me, or what he said but really meant to say according to his facial expressions, his words and his tone of voice.

I don't want to care about the person I see in the mirror, the one who finds her pores clogged, her arms swallen or her ass fatter depending on the mood of the day (usually a woman always has at least two physical flaws a day to worry about).

All I want to do is think about soccer and sports in general, then in a way my life would be simpler... of course since that is all men talk about, their only reason for arguing is the battling teams! their only topic for discussion is the size of their penis and how many women they screwed in their lives; their only information to share is that Elisabetta Canalis just came out with a new topless, sexy (skanky I should say) calendar, or that their coworker is wearing a see-through shirt today.

While now, as a woman, I am thinking about (in no particular order):

- how to remove the oil stain from my favorite skirt.

- how to suggest my boyfriend what to do or what to wear without him thinking I am trying to control him.

- what to suggest him to buy for his mother (her birthday is Saturday) and of course isn't an outfit because he doesn't know her size or has no taste for women clothes unless it's sportswear.

- how to shut my colleague up from babbling loudly in Sicilian while I am on the phone with my boss' contacts.

- how to console my mother and give her strength about her loved husband's surgery and post-surgery with all the involved chemotherapy.

- how to find a way to finally wear my new shoes without ending up with a gagillion blisters.

And believe me, there is much more in my mind... but for now that'll do. Cuz I know you are not interested in having my problems stored in your short- memory as well.

Wednesday, July 20 2005

I just had to have it!!!

I love my new Cellini purse... it's made out of Coconut wood!! I saw it at the shop a few weeks ago and it stayed on my mind so I decided to treat myself hehe:

And here are some other pictures on my puppies that I recently took:

Monday, July 18 2005

Pottering the weekend away

Good morning. This morning has been nightmare, just me myself and I sitting next to that dumb cow that is my office mate, having to sustain yet again her identical music and her loud southern accented talk on the phone.

Sometimes, especially on Monday, you just can't stand this type of shit. Not when that same dumbass who shares offices with you didn't give two damns about your pain and sorrow, your worry and sadness... and talked on the phone to her friends about sales.

Whatever... anyways, after a bad week of hospital malpractice we decided to go elsewhere and it looks like the tumor isn't as deadly and dangerous as they had told us in the other hospital. Let's just hope for the best though, surgery will be on Thursday... I feel a lot better though because the desperate hope I was clinging to last week grabbed me back and stopped me from falling into a pit of depression and desperation.

Saturday morning I went to the bookstore, as soon as it opened, and picked up my eagerly awaited reserved copy of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" ... I have already read 200 pages! 400 more to go... boy, I'm gonna feel all depressed when it's over! Then I'm gonna have to wait two more years or so for the next, which will be the final book!!

Somebody please hit this girl, I can't even stand the look of her!! I'm gonna check out now, I have to get some work done as my boss will be here tomorrow!

Thursday, July 14 2005

Photos

Here are some pictures I took with my family about a month ago...

Tuesday, July 12 2005

The wait

I don't know if I'm going to publish this post. After all, its publishing isn't going to either fix nor change the horrible situation I've been mellowing in for the past week.

The only other feeling I have besides sadness is tiredness... last Friday afternoon while I was at work I felt so tired of all this that I went to the bathroom and fell asleep with my head against the wall column. For some reason I, the dedicated worker, the cranky sleeper that demands total darkness, silence and comfort to fall asleep, found temporary solace with my head pressed against the hard and cold blue tiles. I think I stayed in there 20 minutes... or maybe more.

I can't tell much time lately... the hours, minutes and seconds are simply not important... I've been counting days only and believe me, they are the longest ever. They only ran some tests at the hospital to figure out what the problem is and their only certainty is that it's a cancer that can be removed surgically... as a matter of fact, IT MUST BE before an obstruction in the intestine takes place... in that case it would be the end.

Last weekend I went home and spent one of the most painful weekends of my life, believe me I preferred being in the office... or sleeping. When I asked my aunt the reason for all this laziness and tiredness she told me it's my way of trying to escape reality to find temporary peace.

Unfortunately falling asleep doesn't change things, and I know that through my long naps and time-outs from life, because when I wake up I feel more tired than I felt before falling asleep.

During the weekend I tried to be the superwoman that I always am during all difficult times but damn it's hard not to have a way of releasing all this tension.

I did the math and realized that I hadn't cried out since last week, when I found out about all this. Until last night... last night I just let it all out, and after I did I felt as empty as ever.

And now I am just lingering, waiting for destiny to take its toll, for God to make his miracle, for life to go toward a positive direction... because in our family illness has been spreading faster than recovery.

Thursday, July 7 2005

The word

It is during these situations that you are able to see clearly what should matter or not in your life. In those moments when you least expect it, you receive a phone call and the what you hear crumbles on top of you like an ancient wall.

When you least imagine it, when you spend your life working to earn to save to spend to grow, when you make projects for your future, your wedding, your house. Nothing matters when you hear that word.

When you waste precious time by looking at yourself in the mirror, noticing the smallest and most insignificant flaws of your face, squeezing the skin on your thighs to point out how much cellulite you have, counting the calories of your meals, deciding to make your tits bigger so that men can notice you more (at least you think that will improve the ugliness that you have inside).

Gossiping and disliking superficial coworkers, complaining about your boyfriend's smallest mistakes, not being satisfied with your monthly paycheck or your daily tasks, worrying about the spiderweb on a corner of your living room ceiling, reading about celebrities getting married and wishing you were them.

When you finally get a phone call like the one I received yesterday all the above slides off of you, and that is when you really start to feel like shit. When you realize all the things you have been complaining, fearing and worrying about are mere distractions, when you discover just how dangerous it can be to lose a person who's so important to you.

When you hang up and need to repeat to yourself that yet another person that you love has a tumor... and when you must convince yourself that there is no beauty cream, diet or cleaning product to remove it...

Tuesday, July 5 2005

Back on earth

Yup, after two days off I am back into the office. I am not happy about it, as you can imagine. In fact, I have exactly the same exact monotonous and unpleasant tasks to complete that I had left off with last Thursday... but have absolutely no desire to completing them today.

This is the horrible thing about having a full-time office job, there are times when you have to work and others when you don't necessarily have a lot in your hands and even if you did you don't feel like handling it. You wish you could go out shopping but can't! you are a prisoner of the company you work for!!

The positive things? Paid vacations. Air conditioning. Sick days. Coffee Breaks. Internet. Actually, I wouldn't really count on the latter, I worry about company checks and such. Damn if they didn't check I'd probably have both my magazine and mariah sections fully updated!!! Damn, it would be lovely to start updating them again... but who the hell has time? You sit the whole day in front of the computer that you don't feel like looking at the screen in the evening as well...

Fabio left yesterday and it was sad as always... however not as bad as usual because we will see each other in exactly 1 month and spend 3 weeks together... it'll be amazing! Damn, sometimes I can't believe it's almost August, and we would have gotten almost married if it hadn't been for all the various delays with the house!

We set the new date, which will be next year, and I'm sure it'll be a great day since we'll only invite the people that we know love us and care about us enough. I've never wanted to have that huge wedding where you walk to the aisle and see faces you have never seen once before!

Well, changing the subject, we bought so much stuff last weekend! Especially Fabio: 2 tennis outfits, 1 shirt, 1 pair of white capri pants and 1 red/white shirt, 2 pairs of shoes and a beautiful and original turtle-shaped lamp!

As for me I got a bathing suit for 9 Euros, it's got this leopard print, I'm gonna be so wild this summer!! All wild with my big ass and cellulite sigh... then I got this black sun hat for 3 Euros, 1 black tank-top for 4 Euros and a pair of blue jeans for 20 Euros... not so bad right?

As of now I just wanna go home, I swear! I have a co-worker who'se talking about her finance while the other is talking to her mother from Sicily... now she's sending text messages to her friends... we aren't even talking cuz I told you in the last post she got on my nerves and I don't like fake selfish people! I'm through with the bullshit!

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