A night that changed the obvious course of things
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© Federica R, I have written proof of ownership of these poems (with date). I am happy to share my poetry with you but I don't want you to steal it or reproduce it/rewrite it/modify it. |
Sono il prodotto dell'unione mal riuscita
il divario tra il diverbio e la sconfitta
sempre solita a tenere il passo stando avanti ad ogni impresa
salda sopra ad ogni riga
sempre incompresa, vittima di anni e circostanze
oggi mi va di fermare il tempo
mi va di guardarmi in faccia
IO, la critica più malvagia del mio entourage di vittime
una donna bambina che non sa più cosa essere
il guscio pesa, mi opprime, e più passa il tempo più mi indebolisce dentro
sorrido, cerco di volermi bene
io che so cosa ho passato, io che sono una mano nella mia mano
il sole che si spegne con una semplice lacrima
Sono lacrime che pesano, quelle che verso
e cadono dritte sopra al mio confuso destino
offuscando le cose che voglio e le cose che devo
E io in ginocchio che non so che sto facendo
prego, cerco di capire
non so se rialzarmi in piedi
o se immergere la testa sott'acqua
per scorgere quella perla di speranza
che so che è là sotto, da qualche parte
ma che col mare agitato già da tempo
non riesco più a trovare
Alla fine basta sempre saper rimanere a galla
così annaspo tra le onde nella mia bufera cercando un salvagente
Ogni dolore è una lezione
e mi cullo così nell'illusione di avere capito
di essere più saggia
IO, che nemmeno so chi sono
IO, che non mi sono mai capita.
There's so much more beneath the surface
so much over the mask of pathetic marshmallowness
that is this smile of pearly concealment
I grieve so much more than you could ever believe
and I no longer want to hit rock bottom
I don't want to see the darkness that envelops all that is this pathetic flicker of hope
because I know what it's like to be cold and be left with nothing but the sad thoughts,
they accompanied me along my lonely climb up the steep cliff and kept me cozy within their pitiful chill
I just want to go back to basic, I don't want to want more, I don't want to wish or regret
just wish to live a simple life and appreciate the small things
looking far into the line that divides sky from earth without wondering where the limit is.
Would like to hug myself from outside and tell me that it's nothing
that this too, shall pass
that as long as I have me nothing can hurt me
and as long as I love me I have everything.
-----------------------------
What do you see when you look at me
How blindly do you suppose I will walk any further
thinking that I'm going towards the right direction
firmly believing and imagining a truth I've carefully built inside my head
this route I've chosen, this winding path I'm living
is taking me round and round in circles
and walking, running, stumbling I continue hoping for that target of a dream
that wonder of a wander that's forcing me to foolishly think I can get there.
Where? Anywhere... inside, outside, around and across, within and throughout
in essence I'm sadly standing still.
It's night, room's dark
and everything smells like you
my shirt, my hair, the corner of my neck and shoulder
it scares me to have found a person that gets under my skin
understands my essence so well because, you see, I thought we were different
when we, in reality, are very much alike - this scares me.
Because for once it's like I'm up against my own determination,
my character and passion
I was so glad to see you, and so sad to watch you go
but as you were no longer with me I had an odd feeling
that I would never see you again
and that your scent would linger in the air for a while
then softly dissipate into the relentless units of time that make up life
It's not easy to give oneself completely
how much more difficult when both have had and lost so much before
in order to get you have to give, and I have an awful feeling that I can give you everything,
too much for you to truly appreciate, understand
you'd probably take me for granted, us, so very much alike
and you'd soon forget me, it's all a matter of time... just those few units of time that make up life
and that scent that was us together will be only just a memory of what we would never be.
And so I run, because I've never really walked or stood still before. I run towards unravelled destinies of unknown origin, I cover up my face against the current, I take care of myself, myself, the only person that will love me unconditionally.
I've run so much before my feet hurt, my knees are sore so, you see, that's why I cannot ski, that's why I cannot laugh so easily at what's impossible to comprehend. I tell tales from the heart, of times I lived and times I tried, of times I grieved and times I died.
Moments when I thought to myself that nothing was good enough for me and moments when I wasn't good enough for those moments... I smile at my reprimanding personality, I take pity in myself.
Because someone who loves herself as much as I, has gone through everything to find herself, and someone who loses herself as much as I have lost myself knows what it's like to miss that piece that makes sense of it all.
And although this may all seem a ramble, and I may seem a fool, I grieve these verses... I feel the words slowly rolling onto my back and sticking on my wet skin, with the tiny serifs of the letters gently but steadily piercing my flesh before the die away into their lines.
I run because I do not find myself in you, and because I can find you but, you see, the exchange isn't even. I run because you have what I need but are not willing to dispense of it, and I run because I am always the one who runs first while others follow or watch me disappear. It's my nature, it's my need, that's why in order to care about me you'd need to want that marathon.
ma è un pensiero stupido,
perchè per domani oggi sarò stata una sciocca.
Always listen to your instincts
never let your guard down
always regard yourself with dignity
never let 'em put you down
you are a flower
you are a gem
you are the soft shuffles of autumn leaves on a field
you are the candid foam produced by waves that crash against the rocks
you are stars and moon, oceans and mountains
no matter how in love or like you are
never let them think that reaching you is easy target
never help them with a lifesaver or a bridge
if they really care, if they really mean, they'll reach you no matter the distance
you are twilight, you are sunset
you are everything that's beautifully made and impossible to replicate
never ever let them think they can change you,
that they can take your dignity away.
love yourself and they will love you,
respect others but never let them take you for granted
it will be like taking yourself for granted
cry, sometimes, it isn't sign of weakness but of passion
cry and let the hurt roll out onto your cheeks, then onto the floor
and once you let it all out, right before you overdo it
stop and wipe your sorrow away
it's good to cry but nothing awful's worth a headache
wear your hottest accessory- your smile
and step out onto the streets looking like the mighty creature you are
nothing can bend you, and nothing can break you but your own hardness on yourself
shop until you drop, party the night away, visit family
do anything and everything, cuz nothing's worth a forced, desperate reclusion.
Laugh... think of how great you discovered it sooner than too late
look up at the sun, into the sky... heaven isn't so far away after all.
And the right one will come along, eventually...
A night that changed the obvious course of things
the river that gently swam towards the sea diverted
it was the night that all that didn't make sense had its meaning
that moment I saw you made me shift my focus
Summers and holidays together, rides on your motorcycle
talks on the phone, laughter and conversation
about life, death, love, hate
and that little bug I found in my glass of water at lunchtime
Moments of togetherness when nothing mattered but our sweet encounters
hours of tears to reminisce while we were apart
evenings walking on the beach hand in hand
days we spent planning away our lives together, and what never came to be
It's always late, when I write, it's always dark when I come to ponder
how different my life has been these past few months
did you find solace far away from me, or are your just trying to let me go?
do you want to stop remembering the flowers that bloomed
those spring afternoons that weren't long enough for our hearts to spill onto?
It's always night when I think and realize, how far away it all is now
how when we choose to deviate our course we often don't consider the odds of turning back
we fail to take into account the current, which now I realize, carried us worlds apart.
I sit as I write tonight, and I imagine your warm land and the sound of the waves
the smell of pine trees on the mountains your used to take me to
now that here it smells like rain.
I feel it
and I can reach it
just with the tip of my index finger
I can touch heaven
the lonely freedom of having nothing to lose
him and I
as if in front of this immensity there is nothing I could do
to provoke a sound
to provide a shift
now that I can see it all so closely
I see how far away I could reach
I see there's always a horizon I can't reach
and a sky that I can't touch
despite my hopeful efforts to breathe in - the moon
the waves collide and try to wake - the silence
the black water is one with passing ships
the clouds seems to illuminate this summer sky
amidst a sight so strange to me
I can't see, I can't imagine
how deep the oceans, how vast the land
how tall the mountains, how far the future
how precious is my loneliness tonight.
I could write a letter but my thoughts are too many
I could hold my breath but I know it wouldn't last long
I could run for a lifetime but see nothing before and after me
I could tell you I miss you but you wouldn't believe me
I could travel the world looking for that thing only you have
and reminisce of the time we made sense
when I could write about you without shedding a tear
when I could hold my breath taken by your kiss
when I could run after you and you were ahead waiting for me
when I missed you even if we were still together
when I traveled the world just by looking into your eyes
and get forever lost into the time we made sense
Basically I feel sad
basically I feel grown out of all the foolishness I'm encountering,
all the plastic statements and the lies
basically I fell unsatisfied for all the false hopes
and for settling for so little
basically I miss the presence of someone who really cares, someone who I thought would always be there for me.
basically I'm lost into this jungle of misunderstandings and saturated colors, where it all appears wonderful from afar when really it is dull from up close.
basically I feel old, when I look around and friends are getting their fairy tales I feel like I am running and going nowhere.
basically I am lonely, and the rain washes me away, it melts me onto the grey asphalt of this abandoned city,
basically it cancels me out into a crowd of empty souls, it drowns my words that were never said, were never noticed
and basically never were.
I have been going to bed late at night
and have been waking up early in the morning
each day I open my eyes I repeat to myself
that I must be strong
that no matter how many rocks you trip on
you must simply learn to walk ahead
and hopefully to avoid them next time
this morning
I feel as though I could walk for hours
unlike other early mornings in this gloomy city
I feel the foggy drifts of early air hit my face mercilessly
and I realize I am still here, I am still standing
I could run for miles
just feeling the foolish drizzle fall on my hair
stumbling carelessly into the puddles of rain
hearing the squeaky sound of my rubber soles beneath me
I know I am still walking
I ask myself why and how I can be so vulnerable
when this is a story rehearsed so many times
heartbreaks come and go
life goes on relentlessly
and doesn't care if you need time to recover
You are just another toothbrush
just another book of contradicting sweet words
just another cross in my phonebook
just a couple of days
what are a couple of days in a lifetime?
What is life without a couple of days?
Time lost? time to realize? time to learn?
I am lucid
as time passes by I am stronger despite the blows I've sustained
I know more and more what I want
and what I should get away from
is this a consolation? a blurb of senseless words that will not be enough to
fill this page?
is my message to you meant to touch you?
it touches me... I can feel it... I can see it all too clearly
it's just another piece of text, just another brick that builds me
but at least by the end of this
I know I'll be ok.
(June 11, 2006)
Enwrap me tight
just tonight
Encircle me with your heated embrace
just the silence and us
Feed my skin with soft caresses
just the touch is ours
because tomorrow will be another day
it will be time to forget it all,
to keep going each one our ways
but to us tomorrow is still miles away
and we cherish the darkness of our breathings
the moment we say goodbye
not for now
a little while longer
it's not over yet ...
it's time.
(May 20, 2006)
I think about you now
as I think about you always
throughout the day, regardless of its hectiness
there seems to be no way of ridding myself of you
it's hard to be your woman
to give up and to sacrifice
to put my life at risk
by parting it from its routine of obviousness.
I try to put my mind at rest,
I keep busy and laugh a lot
but despite the pretentious laughter
I conceal it all so miserably.
I miss you and I am sorry
I love you but I don't love you
I hate you but I can't seem to hate you
I crave my freedom yet I need to depend on you
and there isn't much I can do,
I can wait and see if this feeling will be confirmed
as time passes by
or I can tell you to your face
that I miss you
that despite my desire to make my life gold
I am nothing but a bronze mask without you
that I can't seem to find a way away from yours
that you are insufferable yet impossible to live without
that I am able to make it on my own and yet I am lost without you.
that I try to distract myself and can't stop thinking about us.
that I feel our relationship is over and yet I can't give up on it,
because it's the best thing I have.
Can you hear this though?
We've always been far but never like this
we've always argued but this time it's really serious
do you feel the same way I do?
Is this time away from us making you realize you're looking for something else?
Is this time apart bringing us closer
or is it crushing us into millions of pieces
and forever scattering us into nothingness??
(Feb 7, 2002)
Within my blue marshmallow dreams
I lay between the shuffles of soft linen
Ballooned among the cottons of oblivion
I think of nothing but my saccharine surrender
Then a bumblebee’nterrupts my peaceful rest
It is the buzzing of such dreaded bug
That pops my bubbly cushions
I lay motionless, incredulously linger
And closing back my eyelids
I wish this globe would cease from spinning
So I commence my daily journey,
Up about and down around
Often wishing I were wondering
Inside my cool celestial dwelling
Then the day snaaaails along its usual,
Monotonous sad avenue
When I step within my paradise
I’m simply too consumed to do so much
Just munching on my Honey Cheerios
And sipping on my heated milk
I later melt inside my pink fleece gown
And immediately rest after such tumultuous day
So at gloom I reside
Inside those great familiar nights
Until the bumblebee arrives as early as it can
Its so familiar presence pierces through my ears,
Arresting my ideal surrounding,
Reminding me it’s time to open up my eyes,
And snail… snail away.
(Oct 28, 2001)
Are you enjoying
your carefully concocted plan
to run away from me?
Do you think at night, inside,
you wish you were with me?
I am left to wonder of the moments that we had
the promises we made
to remain, at least friends.
What surprises do you have in store for me?
I gave you my heart,
my undivided attention.
And still you only have memories
"of a time that you tried?"
I hate the fact that you can see me
but I can't see you.
I never thought you would delete me like a virus,
away from your life, after all we shared together.
I sit here once again, away from you
Why did this love have to be so mangled?
Someday, I hope I'll understand,
what destiny stores for me.
So far I miss you, I am alone
No one else means a thing compared to you
I wish you felt that way about me, too.
But you shut yourself away from me
maybe it's destiny but I hurts me much inside
when I cry
when I told you how I felt without you
a week ago
and got nothing back from you
maybe you are angry
hurt, upset.
But do you really think I wanted it to be this way?
It will be hard to accept
that you don't even want to hear my name anymore.
Life goes on... without you, I guess
But I miss you... do you hear me?
A part of me still hopes you see this
and although it won't give me satisfaction
can't you see?
My bare cold body naked in front of your eyes
my tears rusting upon my wet, pale skin
just a memory ... of you ... who cared
Do you care?
Do you think of me? Ever?
Do you cry? Like me?
(May 2, 2001)
Such loveliness, the breeze,
such a dream, to breathe the sea
the sand that sweetly caresses feet
my heart that deep inside weeps
its beat is strong but slow
inside I shake, I weep, I miss
to see the sun, to feel the love
to be, to smile.
Dancing the waves go by
they wish to take me far away
to a place I used to know
to the world I lived in long ago.
Too far it is, the waves are strong
and water's cold
I stare at the horizon
wonder how far my heart can reach
realizing it's just not good enough
I curl upon the cool sand, I close my eyes
will my loved breeze take me?
It too is very weak...
and I am left to wonder
to comprehend
the reason why decisions trouble
to realize I have too much to choose
(1998)
A silent weep I hear,
the sadness of my heart
I realized that while I dreamed of you
you were dreaming of somebody else.
What does she have that's not in me,
why does she let you smile so free?
How come you showed me you had feelings
for a person that could love you?
I loved thee, and I still do
but your eyes are icy chills of misunderstanding.
Crazy dumb one, the one I cry for once again
why don't you see,
why don't you understand?
So hard is to describe
how full the tears are in my eyes
So hard it is to say
my love could never fade away
Oh Lord, please make it be untrue,
please call me blind or you would be unkind.
People you hold in your hands, you hold me in your teeth,
my feelings chewed away,
then swallowed and rejected by a man that doesn't see,
by a man that doesn't dare
too bad I love him so
but I guess he'll never care.
(Aug 20, 2002)
In questa citta' di notte fresca,
quasi deserta
sono in bilico nell'aria di vento
da quando questo cuore,
battendo sempre e ancora
s'impossesso' d'un sol pensiero.
Poiche' tutte le anime che passano
io spero
possano tramutarsi in te,
che arrivando nella notte
mi cingi e mi leghi alla tua vita
Sapendo, pero', che questo e' un po' improbabile,
l'idea di averti mio semplicemente un sogno,
rimango sola, appesa alle mie immaginazioni,
chiedendomi se il mio amore
potra' mai essere contraccambiato.
E' da tempo che la mia penna resta addormentata,
e' tanto, che non dedico un foglio di mia vita.
Ma come posso io, non pensare a te?
Il giorno che ti vidi pensai che eri tu,
la persona che cercavo ma non ho mai trovato.
Per favore svolta l'angolo,
ti voglio vedere tutto intero,
in carne ed ossa,
camminare verso me sorridente, sorridendomi,
immaginandomi, come io ti ho sempre immaginato.
(1998)
Yesterday I saw someone
I knew a while ago
but old he's now,
and wrinkles hide the handsome man
he used to be.
He's sick, a terrible disease
he moves and talks and laughs
but sadness fills his eyes.
He used to be a champion, and won and gained and had
all the people were around him, looking up to him.
Dear changed man,
last night I saw your tennis picture by your daughter's room-
and trophies all around the little chamber that you call your kingdom.
What walls surrounded me,
such warmth and care and pride,
that little room looked like your heart
but its floors were made of ice.
How can your survive, weak man,
in a world of crude hostility?
How can you live and breathe with only memories?
Such delusion is to see a star fall,
such sadness it must be
seeing your daughter is ashamed of the father she can't have
But you yell it in your silent sleep
I'm alive, I am a star inside,
but deep's the hole of reality tonight.
Your try to climb but fall, you crawl onto the floor.
Goodbye to a star, I whisper,
but I know and you know...
IT WASN'T A DREAM
(Dec 23, 2000)
Too warm for burning eyes
too bright for my despair
I'm just a body- a cover
and deep inside I die
Too tall a figure to support
too generous a heart to fade
I'm just a corpse- I smell
but deep inside I love
Love brought me and took me far away
too great a soul to forget
the greater scent of charcoal
the crackle of the flames
What am I doing here?
Barely happy, barely considered,
I'm just a shell, a tear.
And as my body rots among these flames
my soul is burning with desire
to fly, fly away...
(1998)
Cry, sweet virgin of blue skies
covered by a veil of great embarrassment,
when you thought he loved you,
when you gave your whole white innocence
to someone that threw it away
What your soul contains is guilt and sorrow,
as the biggest gift you owned was taken by a stranger.
Now you see him, he ignores you
and your body melts alone.
You are forgotten by the one you thought would love you
and you cry and tears you swallow.
The King of Faith is mad
and throws claps of darkness
while the Earth shakes all along,
the ocean's wave moves on,
like a dancer on the water slides away.
All your innocence it takes
mixing it with burning salt and sweet sad tears.
Goodbye, my lived childhood,
you seem so far away
as I stand on black beach waving goodbye.
(1997)
Dark. Quiet. Nowhere to go.
Feeling the stinging pain of loneliness
Caressing the wound with freezing hands
Walk away, don't turn around
breathe, don't hold in the fear
Dark. Quiet. Nowhere to run.
Cry warm tears
Upon a pale face
My figure, curved by the wind
My eyes shut by the memories.
Dark. Quiet. Nowhere to stop
the heart beats while breathing's fast
the wind slaps my face
with cold breaths of misunderstanding
(1997)
I belonged to a world of love and cotton candy until love was no longer
there.
I used to think that evil would avoid me, for I was a soldier of strength and courage.
So why do I lay now, crying, believing there is no longer faith, realizing that this small
room is too big to contain my curved body, discovering that it is too cold to face the
night.
And so I stay tonight, breathing sadness of my tears and resting on a wet pillow.
Pray for me, for I am lost and cannot find myself.
Bless me God for I need a way out this labyrinth of nightmares. I lay tonight, alone in a
world of many who don't see what they have nor want what I do not have.
And so it is now, the story of a woman whose pride was taken by a stranger.
I think it's better to stay quiet, to hide away since nobody would believe or understand.
So punish him for robbing my will, for grabbing my
skin and making it his, for taking my soul and making me his slave for life. I
shall never forget...
NEVER
On a cold day of October dies my grandpa.
I have not seen him lately but still I do remember him.
Catching
almonds and figs of a hot afternoon in July,
caressing rabbits and holding his
hand after a hike on the countryside.
Whenever I
think of him I see him old but strong,
I do remember.
He'd walk and work
for hours.
If not at home
with grandma I'd always know of his traditional concoction...
Il muretto, or
the boardwalk.
Talking to acquaintances he would look towards the sea,
and
hear the sound of waves gently touching the Sicilian beach.
Even though I
live far, I always felt secure knowing he'd be at the muretto,
talking and
thinking about the long life he was living and the big family he had brought
united.
I think now,
where is he? I might know
Last
night he slipped away from his bed and without anyone knowing he wore his
favorite shirt.
With his weak legs but his strong heart he walked alone, towards the muretto.
He gave a last look towards the beautiful
shimmering sea,
always accompanying him through his long journey.
He walked on the beach barefoot,
first the cool sand caressing his feet, then the
small rocks then the stones before the water.
Touching
finally the transparent water with his right toe, then both his feet, he looked
behind.
For years he
had never seen the muretto from that perspective
and now he finally knew the sea
had always been watching.
Grandpa with
his white hands touched the crystalline water and slowly approached
further.
Looking at the
moon, he breathed as the gentle sound of the water welcomed him.
He disappeared giving the last strength his body could bear
and was never seen
again.
This, the
story of grandpa and his sea will always remain on my mind.
His smell, his
blue eyes that reflected his new home and the sound of the waves he sends us for
goodbyes.
A love is lost
tonight,
wrapped around its
sheets of sadness and despair.
A sun has gone to
sleep among the soft beds of the mountains,
its rays, though,
still shine among us all.
A man I never saw, as
he grew healthy and happy in a place I used to know.
We held hands on my
birthday, we built castles in the sand.
A star has
disappeared today, its glow shines in heaven.
A tear by me spent
among many more that glow just in his honor.
I'd fight the ocean's
splashing waves, to hear his voice instead
I'd steal the sky and
all its beauties to look into his eyes one last time
The eyes of one who's
left us, and joined a brand new world.
He knows we'll all
remember him forever
Maybe someday we'll
have breakfast with the stars.
For now though he's
waiting among the arms of God
for the day we'll
meet again.
Silent is my room tonight
just feeling the sound of my pencil writing on this page.
All I hear outside is rain
with its soft tickles on the rooftops and green leaves,
drops sliding down my windows like innocent hands attaching to a loved one.
So dark is now
only enough light to whisper something to me meaningful on this white sheet of paper
no clue when I'll be tired or when this storm will end.
Lightning shows my room intermittently
hiding pure signs of childhood and revealing its inner soul.
The thunder is my melody,
playing the sad happiness my ears can listen to in the breeze of loneliness.
I taste raindrops in a dream
Their neutrality melt the mask that hides my real identity
like the rain covers streets and grass.
Someday, however, I know,
rain will end and roads will dry,
just like my real self will show after the sun shines out on me ...
but for now, it's still raining.
The unexpected tears
that burn my flesh
run and corrode the kisses u left upon my cheeks
I used to crave a smile, a sweet deep touch of love you left upon my skin.
I used to lay at dark, wrapped into sweet shuffles of night
thinking and dreaming of the day my desire would be fulfilled.
And then you rushed into my life, filled it with a dream, a whisper made my heart beat
faster every day I spent with you,
a kiss of summer breeze you left upon my lips.
I am far now, walking on September rain, my shoes squeak against the crunchy leaves the
wind has thrown away.
I think, I breathe, I feel my hand, now dry and empty of yours.
And ever if you're not with me I always look into the sky to find my pale moon, thinking,
wishing you would look at it to reminisce our love under the sun.
I love you, I love you, I love you
are these words strong enough to express how much I care about you?
It's still warm but all I feel is chestnut wind that makes trees dance so fast and steady.
I stop, I stand beneath a layer of foliage, that along with memories is all that's left of
August;
and stupid me, still trying to catch the brownish leaves the breeze has stolen, I wait....
for what? I do not know!
WILL THERE BE ANOTHER SUMMER?